Hey people.

I just read Keltie's blog, and what she said makes me regret calling RyRo a dick.

And so...

How is it that 6 months later I am calling my mother in the middle of day, crying, and worrying about someone who I don't even know anymore. Losing someone you love is hard...so hard..but you know what is worse? Loving someone so much that even after they have been awful to you just want them to be okay. I wish I could just hate him. I wish so badly that I didn't care and that this didn't affect me, but it does. So shut your mouth when you want to tell me to shut up, that its over, that its none of my buisness. Because I CARE. I am heartbroken to see what someone who was so amazing has become. My mom says that I need to just say one sentence and address this so that I don't get a hundred emails a day from people begging me to fix it, like I did today, to help, to reach out. So here it is...

I loved him so much. I worried about him everyday I was with him and everyday since. I am sad for him that he seems so lost that he has alienated his band, friends, family and mentors in his new LA lifestyle. I am sad to see the things he is involved with and the people he surrounds himself with because if they loved him they would not put an addicting substance in front of someone who has grown up in an addicts household. They should know better. Shame on those "friends". I remember meeting a guy who loved books and poptarts and was in magazine for reinventing what cool ment, without booze or drugs. I thought that guy was pretty amazing. We are all worried. ALL OF US. One his family members told me today that I was the best part of his life... and And we have all reached out to him to no avail and thus, I will watch MIA create something on a perfect day and cry my eyes out for him and then I will wake up tommorrow and keep on keeping on in my life and moving forward. I am so sorry if that lets you down. I tried my best but he doesn't love me and it is clear that he doesn't love himself very much either. Please do not contact me regarding him, it hurts my soul too much. There is not a thing I can do. Thank you.

I am so very sad and dissapointed and I know you all are too, well maybe not al of you, but those of you who know what I am talking about. Tommorrow I will tell you all about meeting Carmen and the show. Tonight, I will watch this on repeat. Packing for New York and shed a few tears for the way the world works. So sad.

xoKC

I live here on my knees and I try to make you see

I remember being so elated when Keltie and Ryan broke up some time this year. I hated her, for reasons I can't really remember now. But now I see that while they'd been together, Ryan was happy. He went from emo boy with (very hot) make up and (very cool) ryhawk to hippy boy with the beads, flower shirts and pretty, longish hair plus headband which he later on cut to shorter, different but really awesome hair. I'm thinking she was one of the reasons why their music also seemed more light and whimsical in the second album. The songs had that air of happiness and love and everything. I just feel so worried about his cocaine thing now that Keltie's talked about it. It's as if her addressing it helped to make the situation more real.

I don't know what's going to happen to him after this, we'll have to wait and see. I hope that he isn't going to get addicted, not pursue his other musical endeavours and crash and burn. I've already forgotten what effects the SANA people told us cocaine is supposed to have on you, but I really hope that whatever those effects are, Ryan won't be too into the substance to _________ from it.

At this point, I just want Keltie to try again and help him like she'd done from that time she danced for Panic at the VMAs '06 to this year, when they'd split up. But she doesn't really have that responsibility anymore and she has already tried anyway, so I am still grateful for that. I like that she has addressed this matter and that she is worrying about him and tried to do something.

I love RyRo and I want to see him happy and doing well in his life(I've accepted the fact that he and Jon left). I don't like that his doing coke might tarnish any hope of that. I miss the innocent hippy him. I miss Panic. They were such an inspirational, funny, interesting and good-looking foursome who made lovely music. Now that the band's been halved, it just seems a little pathetic.

At least the knowledge that I have seen them live in person is something I can turn to when I am in need of consolation. I am really thankful that my parents decided to blow 300 bucks on my cousin and I each so we could go for both days of Singfest, because it was such an experience, it being my first concert and all, and it has given me a very special memory to keep for all those Ryan-and-Jon-less P(!)ATD years. I feel so blessed that my parents didn't tell me to wait another year and save up for 2009's Singfest instead. I guess it was my fate to see them. This probably means that I am a legit Panic fan deserving enough to get to watch them live just a year before they spilt up. Haha, I love thinking this.

I will miss you, RyRo. And Jon, you gotta wait for another day to see a post specially dedicated to you and your leaving the band. If you're really itching for me to write one soon, it might help if you do something scandalous which may just blow your chances of succeeding in life. Talk about you soon, JWalk. Your little song about the cold that you probably made up right on the spot on the set of NITA is stuck in my head by the way. And also, your bass skillz rockzzz. Will miss them.

Bye.