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inní mér syngur vitleysingur

Ayesha, 15

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Wednesday, 16 June 2010 @ 02:07
because it hurts

dear mother,

stop getting fucking bipolar all the time. i don't have enough energy for everything that goes on in my life as it is and i cannot understand how you seem so okay about being another burden - probably the biggest one - on your kids. do you know how motherfucking exhausting it is, to even just worry about you? and now that the grandparents are away in Indonesia, we're kind of just left to fend for ourselves. i beg you to come home now because i'm afraid that you're getting high again. you're basically like 'afraid? oh suck it up'. this is the week that will practically drain the life out of me. do you seriously have to give me even more crap to think about, and to lose sleep over? it's currently 2 45 am and you're not home. i have an npcc course/test that i have to wake up at 5 for and the only reason i am awake is you.

i cried tonight. i bawled my eyes out and i screamed at you, i screamed at your friend. i don't cry. not often. i mean, i tear up at happy endings and stuff, but i rarely have it in me to just sit there and let it out. it's a painful weakness, because i tend to hold everything in me for too long. i'm just relieved that at the very least, i can cry for you.

i hate worrying about you not coming home. it's sadistically ironic, because come on, you're the one supposed to be worried about your teenage truant daughter hanging out till way past her curfew doing shitty things and getting into trouble, not the other way around.

i hate that when you're getting high like this, your friends all think you're interesting~ and shit. and then when i'm desperately trying to convince them to send you home like nao, they tell me that she's fine, stop worrying, oh really? she's bipolar? but it's okay laaa, she seemed alright, how do you know? you sure or not? I don't think so, but yeah yeah fine we'll send her home soon. i suppose that they probably think of me as that dramatic teenage daughter who'll make a fuss over everything. but i mean dude, you didn't go through 12 years of this, so please shut up, get her home now and make me feel a little better.