Ayesha

x

2011-05-18T18:43:00.002+08:00

been going through the motions taking every new day that i live as nothing special we're too used to life too used to breathing i am not living i merely exist i might be living in my head but what good is that. i need to wake up i need to start making use of this life before the world ends and then we're all just regretful that we couldn't be fucked to do more than exist.

unfinished projects and ideas i should start on and things i need to do:

- my painting of weliveyoung.bs.com's nirrimi

- zine no. 1

- holga roll no. 4

- my conversation stories

- serious revision for Os ha ha

- grow some balls and talk to you because you are lovely lovely lovely

2011-04-12T19:53:00.000+08:00

You make me feel like shit.

can't keep my mind off you

2011-04-10T13:38:00.001+08:00

y'all

2011-04-09T00:05:00.003+08:00

Today was a good day. First sports day in my 4 years in TK that I actually really enjoyed. It probably had something to do with being aware that it was my last TK sports day ever. I guess I just didn't want to be all bored and sulky again. I think the best part of today was definitely the Flashmob. It was so wonderful!!! I can't dance for nuts lah but it's ok. It still felt amazing to be a part of it. After sports day we had lunch and then Mai, Sharifah and I went to Petom's huge-ass house and spent the afternoon playing with her Kinect thingy. It's so cool ok it's like Wii without the controllers. It detects your frickin movements. Hahaha k I am easily amazed by technology. The dance game was so fun I swear. It's supposed to be a one-on-one dance off thing but in the end we just teamed up and all of us danced together. We have this rlly long video of us like screwing up all the moves. Or maybe just me lah. Hahaha I should really learn to dance. I'm so bloody awkward pls.

Anyway, I hate my face.

we've got the handshake under our tongue

2011-04-03T13:39:00.007+08:00

I feel so lost and distracted and detached. Haven't been studying. Intensive revision starts tomorrow, so hi there 8 and a half hour school days. Looking forward to all the drilling papers. Please let me focus. I need to do well for mid years or I am really going to feel like shit. I am sad. I don't know about what but I am sad. I think I am sad by nature. I'm always sad. Even when I'm not. I made a tumblr on Thursday. I've always been anti-tumblr but it seemed interesting that day. I feel like pretentious crap. But I understand why it's so addictive. I like the really morbid blogs. The ones with photos of people who are probably dead now. They're all sad. I don't really like the blogs with bubblegummy photos of tall and thin girls who look the same and dress the same. I think it was a mistake. Takes up too much of your time. I should delete it soon. The heat is draining. I just keep eating ice and taking cold showers. I haven't been drawing. I should draw. I need a book to read. I have been reading the same things over and over again. I think Paulo Coehlo's Veronika Decides to Die is beautiful. I think your features are beautiful. I don't know about you, but your face is really nice.

i cannot breathe, it's too crowded in here

2011-03-30T21:06:00.002+08:00

I think I seriously live in my own world. A lot of the time I can't really be bothered with like.. people. I'm so shiok sendiri I swear. Anyway, I shaved my head again. My teachers think I'm troubled. It's just hair........

but

_______

2011-03-27T13:00:00.003+08:00

Am still reeling from the bliss of Thursday night.

Other shows I must go to during my lifetime:

Arcade Fire.
Lykke Li.
Sigur Ros.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Russian Red.
Portugal. The Man.
The Morning Benders.

OK I need to get into study mode. Exams are in a month? 14 points I can do it I can do it I can do it!!!!!

Twisted diamond heart, i'm a weekend warrior

2011-03-25T22:26:00.006+08:00

MGMT + The Whitest Boy Alive were breathtaking. I went with Nooranah, Vanessa and Nadhirah and we were stuck about 7 rows from the stage. I had to tiptoe most of the time to see past people's heads, but I had such an amazing time! We also bought a daisy to throw to Andrew during the concert but we broke it at one point so we stuck it in Vanessa's hair.

Halfway through I kicked off my shoes, lost them and my whole bag somewhere on the floor, danced barefoot and didn't care even when my toes were being crushed. The crowd was a little bit awkward though, at times. There were people who kind of just stood there with their arms crossed, which was damn stupid because you paid over a hundred bucks to see an amazing band live man. At least move to the beat or something! Hahaha these two girls beside me were dancing so I joined in too. I probably looked fucking stupid as hell but self-consciousness goes out of the window when you have MGMT in front of you.

I've never really listened to The Whitest Boy Alive before this, but they were really great performers! Erlend is incredibly attractive in every sense of the word. Their set was pretty short actually, but they played good music and it was so fun. Then there was about a half hour of equipment checks and whatever before MGMT finally came on!

They opened with It's Working if I remember correctly. It was so fucking surreal I swear to god I could have died. And Andrew was wearing kitty ears oh my. They played a lot better than I'd expected based on youtube videos I've watched. Andrew's voice is heavenly and Ben is amazing at his keyboard. I think my favourite song of the night was Of Moons Birds and Monsters. OK actually it's a tie between that, Weekend Wars and Flash Delirium. Crazy shizz. Sigh their set felt like it was never gonna end. It was so lovely. I have this mental image of Andrew singing with his eyes closed ingrained into my brain. It is one heck of a beautiful image.

The crowd went crazy during Kids and Time To Pretend the ground was actually shaking!!! HAHA but I wanted to laugh during Siberian Breaks because it is a 12 minute song but these people around me kept thinking it was ending whenever the song went into one of the quiet bits and started cheering but then the song would pick up and it was like "dang it" cause no one including me really knew all the words to it lol. K then at one point they left the stage without saying anything and I honestly thought that was it. BUT HOLY SHIT THEY CAME ON AGAIN AND THE CROWD JUST SURGED FORWARD OH MY GOD AND THEY PLAYED BRIAN ENO AND THE HANDSHAKE AND SOMETHING ELSE AND CONGRATULATIONS AND MY HEART COULD HAVE BURST AND EVEN IF IT DID IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A-OKAY BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE DIED AT THE BEST FUCKING MOMENT OF MY LIFE SIGH.

BUT OF COURSE all good things must come to an end. It was so painful to watch them leave the stage, and to realise we were supposed to carry on with our lives now ;___; I found my bag and shoes lying on the ground once everyone cleared off, and then we got a $5 cup of coke which was really just a lot of ice and went home. I had to take a cab home cuz it was 12 30 by the time I really got out of the place. Sigh. Best 140 dollars I have spent thus far. I hope they release another album soon and go on tour and come here again and play Metanoia because that song is the ultimate shit. It is also another 13 minute song. Hahaha.

holy crap

2011-03-19T16:37:00.007+08:00

Camp was good. Dragon boating was good. Pumping juniors was kinda good. Nightwalk was hilarious! Watching the sec 3s complete their 260 push ups and cheering them on made me burst into tears with Pei Shan cause we were leaving all this in like what, 4 weeks? :(

Anyway, nightwalk! Hahahaha it was so funny I almost peed myself. I was this little ghost girl thing at the 4th floor linkway with Syawqina who was a pontianak. I think it was a bit fail though, cause everytime the juniors came to our station I'd start shaking cos it was so fucking funny. Some of them were crying okay! Later on we got bored at our station so we went to join the others outside NP room. I went to slam the door as they walked past. I don't know if my mind was playing tricks on me but while I was waiting with the door open behind me there was something humming to twinkle-twinkle little stars in the NP room.

Sigh camp was like an escape from reality. Now that it's over it's just... shitloads of homework.

And mid years start in week 4 of term 2. I want to cry. I think next week will be the final week of remedial and then from week 2 until whenever we'll be swamped with IR. K target for MYEs: 14 points. You can do it Ayesha!!!

hoot hoot

2011-03-12T00:26:00.002+08:00

I think that at this point I'm pretty sure what I want to do with my life. I'll open up my vegan cafe cum art gallery and book store on Arab Street, do that for about 10 years or so, and after that start working my way up to becoming a museum director or something along those lines. I just don't know which route to take now. As I see it, I've got three options: JC, poly or art school.

I want to learn business, so taking up a course at a polytechnic sounds like a pretty straightforward step. I guess I'd try to further my studies in university after that. JC could work out too. I won't actually be studying what I want yet, but I'd still get to go to do business in uni when I'm done. Meh but I kind of really want to study art though, in Laselle or NAFA or an arts course in poly. Sigh why does life sound so short.

Anyway, Term 1 is officially over! Got back my overall results and I'm quite.. glad I guess? I didn't really hit my target but oh well, it wasn't off by much. The March holidays are gonna be pretty busy. I have camp from Monday to Wednesday and even though I know I'm going to be exhausted as hell I can't wait for night walk! I just hope I'll be creepy enough for the juniors >:)

cause i'm a weekend warrior

2011-03-10T22:21:00.002+08:00

My english teacher gave me a box of ferrero rocher today. She also carressed my face. I am slightly afraid.

yuck

2011-03-04T23:53:00.004+08:00

I had my turn for the teacher student conference thingy during LEGACY today. Mrs Pang's so funny. She asked if I got sleep in the bus or MRT. I said yes, and she asked me with this really worried look to sit near the bus driver because there are many weird men around. Haha I don't think that does anything much for you, really. People have no reservations for dry-humping you in front of everyone else lah please.

In other news, it was Adela's birthday today! We had another sabo thing after parade. Adela went home covered in flour, ketchup, egg that's been in the NP room since like november, and the new heels we bought her. Hahaha. After that was a lot of screaming and boob smacking. Aww man I'll miss NP room and all the shit we do once we step down next term D:

You know, I don't identify myself as being almost 16. Just the other day I wrote my age as 14 on some survey shit. Haha I think I'm in denial or whatever at this point, but seriously, I'm so scared of growing up!!!!!!

can i lick you?

2011-03-02T22:02:00.001+08:00

Ya let's all eat nutella toast and drink coffee for dinner.

we'll love until we bleed

2011-02-27T18:10:00.002+08:00

Oh hey, it's only 2 weeks 'til term one's over.

Two weeks 'til almost a quarter of the year has gone past.

And then another five weeks after that 'til mid years come round.

And then before I know it prelims are gonna be here.

And then Os.

And then we're done.

Sigh.

I'll be cracking under the pressure pretty soon.

2011-02-24T22:27:00.002+08:00

wah life's so exhausting.

2011-02-14T20:42:00.002+08:00

let it fall

2011-02-13T20:18:00.003+08:00

I made some cupcakes today! The box calls them fairy cupcakes so I shall as well. They're pink, with pink icing and pink glitter. Hahaha I feel like a 6 year old.

Why am i so sad

2011-02-12T12:43:00.002+08:00

I've saved $75 now. Another $30 to go if I can still get the early bird tickets. Or $63 if I'm too late. I feel so sad and tired and sad and tired and sad and tired today. Yesterday's terrorist videos during SS were so depressing I cried. I've been studying like crazy this past week. Probably going to study sec 3 e maths and chem at the library today. I am officially unattracted to the boy in the bus with the sexy lips. What is life.

if she's going under i can hold my breath til the sky comes back

2011-02-06T14:04:00.003+08:00

i said i was born at the bottom of a wishing well

2011-02-02T20:05:00.004+08:00

MGMT.

24th MARCH.

HOLY SHIT I SWEAR I AM GOING TO STARVE MYSELF THESE COMING WEEKS AND GO TO THAT CONCERT.

And then there's also Joanna Newsom just 6 days before MGMT. Slightly less desperate for that one but.......... it's only 25 bucks!!!!

Andrewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

(haha i have to stop lusting over everybody)

my neopets habitarium is dead

2011-01-29T18:44:00.002+08:00

The past week I have been on the verge of tears at least three times. School is stressful and teachers are stressful and trying to find time to do anything at all is stressful. I think my english teacher has power issues. She's booked me twice already for one piece of homework and I handed it in yesterday but I don't know if she'll find an excuse to book me again. She actually bragged to the other class she teaches about it. Do you smell insecurity?

I started 2011 with a resolution not to get into any shit with the school rules. But in slightly less than 4 weeks, I have been late 6 times and booked for three other stuff. Sigh. I'm looking forward to having next week be a short week, what with the Chinese New Year and all.

run deep, run wild

2011-01-24T21:13:00.000+08:00

Eh my expat boy in the bus has sexy lips.

oh i beg you, can i follow?

2011-01-23T18:20:00.005+08:00

Hi!

Friday was amazing! Like since when orientation so shiok one? 1 Responsibility won for our skit and it was so bloody exhilarating. Especially cause we were probably the least prepared class ever. During the 1-2 o'clock practice period we were still trying to decide if we should do the skit or a song. There were conflicts and stuff but in the end we worked around it and we did it!!! Hahaha I love my OG muacks :) And then out of nowhere we just had this massive dance party in the middle of the circular block. Why TK so fun ah all of a sudden. Hahahaha k CA week starts tomorrow I'm so lazy I want to cry.

hurry on, love

2011-01-18T18:29:00.004+08:00

Hi I've been a very good girl. I come home and do my homework and eat and sleep. And then I wake up and go to school and don't fall asleep and do work and do homework and go home and do homework and eat and sleep. And then I wake up and I go to school and on the way to school I make up life stories for the people I see along the way. I have my 'french' lady who doesn't eat and my cute expat boy who acts nonchalant all the time but is actually really well-read and concerned about world issues and my lesbian CHIJ girl and her friend and my insecure man. And then I reach school and oh my goodness I am so very very very boring I think I'm going to die.

lay me back down

2011-01-07T22:53:00.001+08:00

1. Sleep

2. Eat proper

3. Homework

4. Organize thoughts

5. Doodle

6................ Okay no I can't do more than that in a weekend

easy conversations, no such thing

2011-01-05T22:07:00.002+08:00

He's so weak on both his bended knees

2011-01-05T19:52:00.005+08:00

Hello.

So 2011 is here, school is here, and I celebrated the first day of school by sleeping in until 3 and then watching tv 'til midnight. All in the name of nursing my flu, of course. Hahaha. This morning I woke up feeling better, so I decided to go. Today I tried to get used to my new form teachers' psychotic habits. And today we had mass dance which was amazingly sweaty but refreshingly liberating for a person who doesn't (and cannot) dance. Also very liberating was the deep breathing exercise during the stress management talk. I couldn't take the exercise very seriously, because the breathing guru or whatever in the recording was giving off like macam paham vibes and had this funky Indian accent and I couldn't be very avare of my breading when all I could do was laugh. School counsellors should take note to give students as little to make fun of as possible if they really expect us to pay attention. But anyway, the actual breathing deeply is almost.. delicious?

Sometimes, I find it amusing how people can be so pretentious. Like the breathing guide in the recording. Or like me when I am writing about all this stupid shit happening somewhere in my future, which I have apparently planned to be pretty magical. But it's okay. Hahahaha. Because it still feels absolutely gratifying in that moment to pretend that some of the time I know what I'm talking about.

Like now. What the hell am I even saying? Okay but you know what, new year resolution: learn to be less skeptical. People in general should be less skeptical. Yes. Okay. I have 11 malay essays to do by tomorrow. Goodbye.

Vincent Hui

2010-12-20T02:18:00.005+08:00

Also, my new background is a couple of pages from an artist named Vincent Hui's sketchbook. Here are a few more, taken from his website. These are the kind of sketches I would like to fill my sketchbooks with when I go on that terribly romantic-sounding year long trip I have planned in my mind.

P.S. I'm sorry I've been so dreamyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :<

i'm a rebel, soul rebel~~~

2010-12-20T02:05:00.001+08:00

Sometimes when I am in a particularly dreamy mood, I plan to spend the whole of my 21st year of life backpacking across Asia with a family of strangers from all over the world. We will talk about nothing and everything and sometimes things that make no sense but we will laugh like we were the smartest, wittiest group of people that ever lived because we're all on weed. We'll have bonfires on the beach at night and dance, maybe topless and painted like red Indians, and sing and play music until dawn breaks. Then we'll sober up for a moment to appreciate the sunrise, and afterwards we'll pack up and set off to wherever our feet shall take us next.

We'll spend our days maybe surfing in Bali, or just soaking up culture in India, or getting high and just enjoying and appreciating life on this beautiful -so goddamn beautiful- world that we realise we've taken for granted all our past years of living. We won't really have money, but we'll get by. Sometimes we sleep on the beach, sometimes a friend we made on the trip offers to put us up in their homes for a few days, or sometimes, in exchange for a day's work on the paddy fields, a kind family welcomes us into their home, where we'd have dinner together and attempt to share stories despite language barriers.

We will distance ourselves from technology as much as possible, except perhaps there'd be a few photographers among us to capture this year-long trip through the lenses of their cameras. I will keep a journal, and immortalize the amazing moments and emotions and places and people I've experienced in ink and paper. I will also draw. And with so much passion and inspiration that by the end of the trip I will have a whole stack of sketchbooks to lug home.

It is also on this trip that I will learn to cry. Cry when I need to, or don't need to, or whatever. I will learn to cry. And I will learn to live. And I will learn to be humble. And when I return home my heart will feel light and love and peace and I will translate all that I have experienced into art, hopefully remarkable art, and I will know how to live, and cry and appreciate. And as I age, I will always look back on my 21st year with satisfaction and fondness. And on days when I feel like my life is mundane and pointless, I will think back to the 365 days I spent with my family of strangers travelling around my continent, and I will smile knowing that at least I did something so fulfilling and wonderful and at least, for one year, I was somewhat of a hippie ☮

meow

2010-12-03T13:40:00.004+08:00

HAHA Neopets is getting more vegetarian-friendly! +200 cool points

goldnuggetgoldnuggetgoldnugget

2010-12-03T00:28:00.004+08:00

I realise that a lot of my faces either have a 'meh' or some sort of pained expression. I never really draw happy girls. Or draw them with both eyes. Nothing to do with satanic worship whatsoever though; I just find excuses to obscure one of the eyes with something or another because I'm never confident that I won't screw it up. I'm also going through this half-open mouth phase right now. I suppose I come across as pretty unoriginal huh?

I bought a couple of pieces of canvas the other day. Shall work on that soon if this cold (and this laziness) does not persist.

because we are all just lovers, born of earth and light like all these others

2010-11-30T02:53:00.001+08:00

Because at 3 a.m. I think about how I want to meet my future husband.......

When I grow up, I'll own a vegan cafe + art gallery + bookstore + boutique in Haji Lane. I will play Bob Dylan and Lykke Li and Bon Iver and my kitty cats plus one bunny rabbit(they're all best friends) will accompany me at my cafe. The animals will have my office in the back of the shophouse to escape to when they get disgusted with obnoxious visitors and there will be a kitty/rabbit door for easy access. They will also make friends with that short-legged black and white cat that roams around the area.

Soon after I first open, a well-dressed vegetarian boy who has his own music store down the road will come for lunch, and he will come back daily because my hummus triumphs all the hummus on Arab Street (or so he says). He will be an interesting and articulate conversationalist who will teach me something new of the world each time he comes to visit. The animals will take a special liking to him and sometimes one of the cats can be found curled up on his lap as he reads a book and sips on mint tea on an afternoon break.

He happens to be an artist and he will wonder if I would consider selling his artwork at my store. Well he's in luck 'cause as it turns out, I would! We get closer, and sometimes he helps me to close up the store at night. We'll sweep floors and wipe tables and count the day's earnings dancing like goofballs to a mixtape he made. Most of the songs are by The Beatles. When I Wanna Hold Your Hand comes on one night, he'll turn off the stereo and sing it to me himself, as his way of asking me to be his girlfriend. As a couple we will paint together after work, and try out new vegan recipes, and lepak at each other's shops, and visit our other friends' shops with our kitties. And then yadda yadda yadda and we get married whooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo \O/ \O/ \O/

Hahahahaha why am I so stupid.............

But really, sing to me Bruno Mars and I'll be like, "OK." Sing I Wanna Hold Your Hand and I will be a puddle at your feet because that song is so bloody brilliant.

PS I shaved my head again!!!! Hahahaha it's always so exciting! I should probably buy a shaver if I'm going to the hairdresser's every couple of weeks now hmm.

shock me like an electric eel

2010-11-30T01:34:00.002+08:00

So this weekend I finally broke out of my shitty holiday funk and went out. It felt so wonderful. After the week or so of whiling my time away on Neopets, analysing my dreams, making unexciting things in the kitchen and getting 14 hours of sleep every night, getting out of the house felt like a goddamn rebirth.

On Saturday my mom and I had lunch with her friend at this place near Arab Street. Their vegetarian kebabs were mindblowing. We went to Bali Lane afterwards and hung around at Heavenscene until we went off in the evening. I got to take a look at the flea while my mom stayed behind because she couldn't be bothered to brave the crowds. Later on we dropped by West Coast Park for a barbecue with the mother's group of fraaaanz. Soufi was there too :)

Yesterday some of my friends were selling their stuff at the Haji Lane flea so that was an excuse to spend my day in the area again. It was as sweaty as fleas go, but I feel good and fulfilled because I actually found myself something.

Today I had a lovely day out with my primary school friends at Kallang. It was the first time in a long while that I'd worn my scarf. I was surprised to find that the crippling self-consciousness I used to experience when I was covered up like that did not return with all the extra layers. It was also very comforting to be in the company of people who were a big part of all my six primary school years.

Life has been happy and pretty and wonderful the past few days and I feel thankful for the positivity.

everyone is golden

2010-11-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

Oh harro!

I'm really really bored. The highlight of my day has got to be making a bowl of jelly. Clearly, I need to get out of the house soon.

sigh

2010-11-18T02:13:00.001+08:00

What has your life come to when at 15 years old, you find yourself devoting whole days to Neofuckingpets?!? Cause that's what I've been doing : >

Haha I've been pretty bored lately.............. so I went to shave off more hair last Friday. I think I fell in love with my hairdresser for a while there as well. Things that have been taking up my time include preparations for next year's sec 1 orientation, the sec 4 farewell for np, and sleep, with a little bit of going out in between. Last Saturday was pretty fun - I went for FLB with Filzah and Maya, and then we were joined by some other friends for dinner in the evening. You know, sometimes I don't like fleas.. cause it feels kind of pretentious. I dunno. Sometimes. Mostly I enjoy them. But then I also hate crowded places. So you probably couldn't really tell that I'm enjoying myself even though I am omg wtf am I going on about K SLEEP LA

!!!!

2010-11-01T21:04:00.001+08:00

OH MY GOD MY NEOPET IS SUCH A PICKY EATER OKAY. Waste neopoints only >:(

We're just a million little gods causing rainstorms turning every good thing to rust

2010-11-01T01:29:00.003+08:00

It has become a regular thing for me to just set off for nowhere in particular on my own now. A lot of people are surprised that I do this so often, but I don't know.. I actually enjoy the solitude. They ask if I'm not worried about looking like a loner. I guess I'm not, cause first of all, that's just too insecure. Second, so what?

Being on your own gives you a lot of freedom. You go wherever you want to go, because you are not restricted by another person's wants. You walk at your own pace, no trying to catch up or slow down to accommodate to someone's speed. You aren't kept from buying something that you really like and can afford just because a friend who has vastly different taste has a negative comment about it. You have the opportunity to really think, and to form your own opinions of things you see because you are not influenced by another person's ideas. You don't have to deal with awkward silences. You relax.

Saturday was spent like this - on my own. I went to Haji Lane once more, then Dhoby Ghaut, and in the evening I met up with my mom at her friend's place. We played with her two new kittens which are so goddamn cute *_* We brought them downstairs to walk them too! They're called Pika and Toto hahahah so cute! (this is me smitten)

Today(yesterday?), Soufi and I finally went out together. We walked a lot today. We went to Bugis, Dhoby Ghaut, Orchard, Holland Village... Yeah walking is good. And Cineleisure is very good because they have such awesome shops there and because I have my name twice in the highscores for Anarchy in the UK on Guitar Hero!!! Medium la, but still! (hehehe this is me bangga :B) We spent a lot of cash on food today, from frozen yoghurt to best fries forever to jelly bellies to wendy's I needa stop eating!!! Too much of my allowance goes to food every month.

OK I had a great day today (because going out with people has its own set of perks as well lah) but extended studies starts in 5 hours so hello feelings of being caged in.

Good night!

I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth.. LOL JK I shaved it all off

2010-10-29T00:04:00.006+08:00

Hahaha okay lah not really - I just got a sidecut. My hairstyle is similar to Kate Lanphear's in my previous post, only I don't have half my head buzzed off like hers. It's also (unfortunately) a lot less obvious because my hair's all black. The hairdresser only got about a quarter of my hair shaved off, but who knows, maybe you'll see more of my scalp by the time the weekend comes round. The left side of my head is kind of the same length as it used to be, just thinned out a little. That might be shortened come Sunday too, cause it's just strange to have a bob on one side and very little hair on the other. I feel like a female Win Butler though, and it's a nice feeling hahaha.

Aaaanyway, today I went for the TPC at school with my mother. We went to Parkway for breakfast, then Haji Lane and Bali Lane afterwards(hahaha we really got nowhere else to go man). I had my lunch of hummus and pita bread at The Muzium Cafe, and then we got drinks at Gogo Rama. Both shops are on Bali Lane. Gogo Rama is this quaint little cafe/art gallery/design products store that, I'm telling you earnestly, you have to visit one day. The cafe part of it only sits about ten people, but that just makes the place all the cosier. And sitting by the window on the second floor of a little shophouse, watching people walk past below while you eat cakes with quirky french music floating around the space and very pretty yet slightly unsettling art hanging on the walls.. just makes you feel like you're part of some closely-guarded secret, tucked away from the rest of the world. It's one of those things which make you feel special, even if for nothing more than just being aware of its existence.

One of the owners, Cheryl, talked to us for a while. She said I had nice hair when I walked past her earlier on. Guess what, it turns out that she has a sidecut as well! Hahahaha after a day of disapproving and/or amused stares, I felt kinda cool :B According to Cheryl, Gogo Rama might start supporting local artists by the end of the year and I'm welcome to submit something. Even though I barely consider myself an artist~, I'd like to give it a shot. If something I create is in line with their theme, they may just choose to feature it in their shop. I'm not really hoping for too much, but the idea of having your work hanging (and being sold) in one of the coolest mini art galleries you've seen, and at 15 years old.. dreamy is it not?

One more week 'til I'm a free bitch, baby.

but still my heart beats so slow

2010-10-27T16:44:00.001+08:00

Go figure! ;)

Anyway I've been in a very witchy mood the past few days, thus the witchy vibes this space probably exudes now. Or not. Haha.

the girl with kaleidoscope eyes

2010-10-26T00:34:00.002+08:00

my body is a cage

2010-10-25T22:12:00.008+08:00

As a child, I used to write cards and letters to my mother all the time. Most of the time I presented them directly to her. One time, however, I decided I'd drop it in my mailbox under the block, as a surprise for when she opened it later. I sealed it in a pink envelope and wrote out our address in red ink and hearts. And while I may have taken greatest care in writing out that address, in all my excitement, I ended up slipping the letter into my downstairs neighbour(who happened to be this crazy old bitch we all loathed)'s letter box instead. I only wonder how she must have reacted.

"Selamat Hari Raya Idiladha.

Dear mama yoyo toy,
I wish you were here with me. Why do you turn out to be sick? I love you with all my heart. I want to be with you every time. But why can't I stay up with you for a very long time? Get well soon!"

This is from one of those cards I wrote, about 10 years or so ago. For some reason, this particular one keeps finding its way into my hands time and again. Each time I read this I am amused, reminded of the silly names I would create for my mom because her nickname was Yo, the way I never failed to reiterate my great, everlasting love for her and my tendency to string random sentences together as they came to mind so that my paragraphs wouldn't even make sense sometimes. Each time I read this I also feel morbid and depressed, because a childhood shouldn't have been made up of trying to find ways to cope like that. Because I just couldn't understand why I could not stay up with my mother for a very long time when it was every time that I wanted. Because I still feel this way sometimes, only slightly more coherent. I think.

I feel like I lost my innocence pretty early on. I don't know. By the time I entered primary school I knew in my heart that the world was a bitter place. And even though I may choose to act like a child sometimes, my thoughts flow parallel to this. One of the most common reactions I got from the people who've read my commonwealth essay about my utopia was 'mature'.... But I don't want to be mature. I want to be young and stupid and naive and carefree and ignorant of life's shit because ignorance is bliss.

you just had to

2010-10-16T01:35:00.000+08:00

Something filled up
My heart with nothing
Someone told me not to cry

But now that I'm older
My heart's colder
And I can see that it's a lie

Children, wake up
Hold your mistake up
Before they turn the summer into dust

If the children don't grow up
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up
We're just a million little gods causing rainstorms
Turning every good thing to rust

I guess we'll just have to adjust

With my lightning bolts a-glowin'
I can see where I am going to be
When the reaper, he reaches and touches my hand

With my lightning bolts a-glowin'
I can see where I am going
With my lightning bolts a-glowin'
I can see where I am going

You better look out below!

the morning benders

2010-10-15T01:18:00.006+08:00

GOOD GOD HOW CAN A BAND HAVE SO MANY BEAUTIFUL ACOUSTIC/LIVE VIDEOS???

This is most definitely the start of another one of my numerous musician obsessions. Whether it shall be short-lived (because I will be extremely prone to overzealously overplaying their songs to their respective deaths these weeks to come) or not I cannot say, but at least for the moment, I am completely enthralled by their music.

And Chris Chu. Nngggnghhhhhhhh is all I can tell you.

Reasons why this interview is (Y):

- CHRIS CHU IS SO FUCKIN CUTE I COULD JIZZ MA PANTS RIGHT NOW

- Arcade Fire's Wake Up at the start of the video ;)

- Weezer fans are family pls hahahaha

and i swear to god i'll find myself in the end

2010-10-11T23:34:00.003+08:00

dear young at heart,

come on skinny luv

2010-09-26T13:28:00.001+08:00

Winston Chmielinski

all that jazz

2010-09-24T18:25:00.004+08:00

Mr Fi wrote me a note today. He wrote me a note on a purple post-it he'd stapled two Fox sweets (also purple, but in different shades) onto. Colour-coordination prowess aside, the note made me smile. It was a congratulation note, because apparently, the judges for the Commonwealth Essay Competition thought I deserved a gold award for my essay??? Haha okay not gonna lie, I felt reaaal good for the first two hours after I got the news. Now.... I LAUGH AH PLEASE.

i am the walrus

2010-09-22T12:14:00.007+08:00

It's not even the end of the second week of school and I have skipped four days already. Yesterday I finally went to the doctor for my cough. It was an excruciating, wtf-inducing two hour wait till I finally got to see him, but when I went in I understood why. In addition to asking about my cough and stuff, he asked me if I had a boyfriend and started going on about premarital sex and how I shouldn't mix with bad company etcetera etcetera.

Like ............................................

Anyway, medicine's been making me queasy as hell all morning, but thank goodness they weren't that hard to swallow. I was surprised because my antibiotics are like XXXXXL! They're like bigger than my fingernails man (yes I actually compared) and that is always one of the worst things that pills can be. Yuckz to the max. But ya la they don't taste of anything and I hate to admit it but my cough syrup and lozenges taste kind of nice? I suppose I'm quite satisfied.

spit it out boy

2010-09-20T23:13:00.002+08:00

After school was really random today....

I spent my afternoon on bio notes at the library. I left around 5. Took the bus to Paya Lebar. Then I coughed like crazy on the MRT once again so I got off at Tiong Bahru cause I practically looked like I was having a breakdown in public. I kept wanting to gag but I couldn't exactly puke since I barely ate today. Went to the toilet to wash my face, calm down. Felt better and got out. I was gonna get back on the train when OH LOOK SUSHI!!! Bought those mini cucumber ones and sat alone beside some old Japanese couple lol. Ate, started coughing again, looked for some shop selling hot tea or whatever. Coffee Bean's chai tea latte yum. Goodbye frappucinos I'm ordering this at Starbucks/Coffee Bean from now on man. Sat there for like an hour beside another (young this time) Japanese couple while I read On Subbing/bio textbook. Got home at 8 40.

wanderlust

2010-09-19T11:47:00.004+08:00

Yesterday's Frisbee competition at St Patrick's was......... um. We played four games, and scored one goal. In total. Hahahahaha but it was a lot of fun and really just too little a thing to get upset about.

After that we had lunch at Parkway and then I went to wander off on my own. I took a bus to Haji Lane, and I bought a book called On Subbing from The Haji. I've been lusting after this book because a while back I'd bought a couple of zines by the same author. In those zines he wrote about his battle with Crohn's disease. This book is about his experiences working with children with learning disabilities, behavioural problems, mental retardation and stuff like that. His style of writing is simple and it seems as though he didn't bother so much with an editor, but I like his sense of humour. I also love that he's vegan.

My favourite shop on Haji Lane at the moment is Vijitra. It's a pretty small shop with a pretty small collection of clothes, but I always love just being in there. Yesterday I fell in love with their tops with the pretty prints and this dress oh my god. I can't stop thinking about it. And for about $35..... K I'm getting it next weekend or something I don't care.

After Haji Lane I went to Bugis Junction. I walked around aimlessly for a while, and then because I suddenly felt like it, I went to Iluma to watch a movie. Yeah on my own. The only movie which was starting soon was Inception, so I watched that. I am horribly backdated and this was my first time watching it, but... I didn't really think it was that awesome. Okay no, I enjoyed the movie and everything, but somehow I just couldn't appreciate it as much as some people I've seen.

Today we're going Raya visiting. Second house for me this year. I am totally serious.

Oh and a vegetarian restaurant just opened like right across the road from my school. HAHA vegetarianism is everywhere man. Everywhere around me ah at least.

possibly

2010-09-17T00:25:00.003+08:00

This is Ayla Brunhilde and I would like to shave my head like hers.

i have small teeth

2010-09-15T17:26:00.004+08:00

Yesterday I got onto the train home and started coughing non-stop until my face got all hot and I started tearing and people kept giving me weird glances, probably wondering if I was like choking on my spit or something and needed help. From like Aljuneid to Bugis man, where I couldn't take it any more and got off to buy Strepsils and water. Worst five minutes of my.... okay day only ah. Yeah. So anyway, in the hopes of avoiding a reenactment of that scene at least for today, I have decided to skip school. Been watching movies, taking way more than the recommended one Strepsils lozenge every two to three hours, drinking my yummy honey & lemon drink and wanting to rip my throat out all day. But it's been good destressing (because I am pathetic and am already stressed on the third day of the term) and I honestly can wait to go to school tomorrow yuck.

time lapse

2010-09-14T22:27:00.011+08:00

I have no idea why, but I tend to draw rather strange characters on my skin.

Instead of trying to complete my unfinished holiday homework, I spent last night on this drawing. It's pretty screwed up in some places, especially the hand and hair and shading.. It is also incomplete because I am far too intimidated to add in the smudged lipstick across her right cheek. I am, however, still proud of myself for being able to draw something which actually looks somewhat like the reference photo. I need to get into the habit of drawing proper portraits instead of just sketches here and there. And I should really learn how to draw hair.

PS, weliveyoung.blogspot.com is an amazingly inspirational and beautiful read. I shall now entertain dreams of becoming a teenage gypsy artist who does not live in a house because the world is my home.

i fought the war but the war won

2010-09-12T01:25:00.000+08:00

12th: Fiqo's birthday!!! ♥

13th: 20th month of vegetarianism

14th: Hurley

Life has been OK.

But I don't like raya.

we all scream for.. pavlovas!

2010-09-07T15:03:00.003+08:00

HI MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM IS IN ECSTASY RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE'RE MAKING THIS FOR BUKA:

It's a pavlova by the way. Muslim friends, please google it and be tempted to break your fast now :)

hey mr dinosaur

2010-08-26T20:01:00.004+08:00

3 AM doodles because I get my sleep in school

i wanna luck you

2010-08-25T22:56:00.013+08:00

I can't really tell if you've noticed that we haven't really spoken to each other in a while, because other than not talking, you act as if nothing's wrong. In the event that you have, however, and honestly can't figure out why, here's a little heads up: I'm sorry but lately everything that comes out of your mouth makes me want to start clawing your face off.

):<

In other news, in an attempt to inspire the wavering vegetarian in me, I have been looking through lists of famous vegetarians and vegans.

We know that YYY's Nick Zinner's (♥) a vegan, Fiona Apple's a vegan (omg girl crush #2 sigh), Gabe Saporta and Alex Suarez of Cobra Starship, The Beatles, Jason Mraz and Jonsi of Sigur Ros are vegan/vegetarian...

BUT OMG NO ONE TOLD ME RIVERS CUOMO AND BRIAN BELL WERE AS WELL!

AHHHHH WEEEEEZERRRRRRRRRR \W/

Oh and 30 Seconds To Mars too teeheeheeheehee

CURRENT MOOD: :' D

P.S. Weezer's Hurley album out on September 14th! *flails*

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

2010-08-23T20:45:00.003+08:00

type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385">

cut

2010-08-23T01:41:00.011+08:00

I have insecurity issues. I desperately wish I could tell you they were about my body my thighs my flabs my arms my face my hair my nose lips breasts eyes skin height posture and how fucking fat I am but oh my god, I can't.

It's what's on the inside that counts

And all of my inside reeks of pungent self-loathing.

Notice how often I tell you I feel empty, hollow, detached?

You're looking at bulimia of the soul, honey. I've been purging myself of me.

This has got to end.

I like my make-up in a mess

2010-08-03T22:25:00.009+08:00

I've been so lethargic the past two days and I don't even know why! It's not as though I've been keeping late nights or anything, but I guess my body just needs more rest.

I hate it when I'm so bloody drained like this. I barely even remember any of yesterday's classes at all, and I'm pretty sure I repeatedly embarrass myself on public transport because I cannot stay awake. Another passenger in the bus this morning had to wake me up (and rudely at that) cause I was still asleep when almost everyone had gotten off at the interchange, and I believe I actually almost fell into the lap of the guy sitting beside me on the MRT :/

Sleep deprivation makes you uncool.

Anyway, I had a nice weekend.

I passed my Saturday evening around Clarke Quay with Filzah, Maya, Anita and Natalie. We went for the flea at Homeclub and then we caught the preview of the pretty National Day Parade fireworks :)

On Sunday I had a picnic with Soufi at the Botanical Gardens. It was drizzling a bit, so we took shelter under the cacti display and had pastries, calbee hot & spicy and pocky while Lykke Li and Au Revoir Simone made the day feel almost ethereal.

+++

2010-08-01T20:34:00.003+08:00

Hey.

Hi.

HAHAHA HELLO.

LUSTLUSTLUST

2010-07-30T23:05:00.003+08:00

Well fuck.

*_*

i wish you hadn't

2010-07-30T22:59:00.002+08:00

CAs are over for the term, but where's that deeply gratifying sense of relief that's never failed to accompany moments like this? I feel so fucked today.

In other news, I decided to forget about growing my hair long. I got it cut the other day and I now have half a pixie, half a bob and Spock-esque bangs. I inwardly giggle to myself everytime people I pass on the street give me the wtf face. I think I actually enjoy weirding random people out.

"We should all aspire to not give a fuck"

I'm in love, i walk on

2010-07-24T02:35:00.007+08:00

I've been studying pretty damn religiously this week. I pass my afternoons after school at the library, come home after dark, dump my books on my bed and resume my studying once more. I don't bathe or eat before that. Dude I mean I hold my pee in just to carry on with my notes!!!

So please please please let me do borderline brilliantly this time round!

anti-anti

2010-07-18T00:31:00.004+08:00

floating through the singapore night festival by myself tonight was deliciously therapeutic. i think that i have gotten into the habit of being alone and just walking where my (marginally flat) feet will take me, even if i am entirely unsure of where i'm headed. today was spent around the bugis/city hall area for the bahas competition and the festival. the festival was, truthfully, not as interesting as i'd hoped and it was really just too crowded for my liking. but that's a stupid thing to say cause i mean what do you expect, ayesha? it's a festival!

my favourite moment of the night was at the peranakan museum, staring down at the members of lunar node's heads as they played their lyric-less, but terribly soulful songs while trying to hold back the urge to just fucking cry right there and then. i am incredibly thankful for the distraction that was the indian grandmother in her orange and green saree nodding along to the music as though she were one with the hipster boys and girls that filled the tiny museum. cannot tahannnnn!!! but i have to say i like her spirit.

i barely know you

2010-07-10T15:45:00.002+08:00

I have never treasured Saturdays as much as I have this year. This Saturday has been especially gratifying. I could barely call it productive, but I'm never one to be happy over productivity anyway. Today I feel at peace. It's been pouring ever since I woke up and the weather, with skies so dreary you are unable to tell what time it is, along with my playlist for today have made for a very content me.

i can't

2010-07-08T22:18:00.003+08:00

This day was bliss.

- I'm hot *furrows eyebrows*

and won't you show us where your heart is?

2010-07-06T20:37:00.005+08:00

Truth be told, it isn't those days where everything goes wrong that I hold most in contempt. I find that the frustrations brought on by days such as these are always readily reincarnated as a strange determination to survive the rest of the shit those 24 hours have to offer.There is a sense of self-righteousness beneath every complaint, and personal consolations that tomorrow cannot be worse in comparison actually do give you hope. And even if you crumble midway, it always feels good that you tried.

It is days like today, when for some reason I still cannot feel secure even though the universe appears to have bent over backwards just so the events of the day would run in my favour, that I more or less abhor. It is not the absence of difficulties which leads to my discontentment. It is simply that this absence leaves barely anything to elicit any strong emotions, such that I basically spend the day, well, not exactly in indifference, but in nothing more than a slight awe of how the day’s happenings have been seemingly partial to me. There is no will to overcome pain, nor that sense of self-belief. I am not happy and I am not sad. There is nothing to be vexed about, and there’s also nothing I can bring myself to be excited over. It is as though all of my feelings have been turned down to such a degree that I feel almost less than human. And then I become aware, and being aware of the idleness of it all just makes me feel... hollow.

2010-06-27T12:53:00.002+08:00

Stuck.

because it hurts

2010-06-16T02:07:00.005+08:00

dear mother,

stop getting fucking bipolar all the time. i don't have enough energy for everything that goes on in my life as it is and i cannot understand how you seem so okay about being another burden - probably the biggest one - on your kids. do you know how motherfucking exhausting it is, to even just worry about you? and now that the grandparents are away in Indonesia, we're kind of just left to fend for ourselves. i beg you to come home now because i'm afraid that you're getting high again. you're basically like 'afraid? oh suck it up'. this is the week that will practically drain the life out of me. do you seriously have to give me even more crap to think about, and to lose sleep over? it's currently 2 45 am and you're not home. i have an npcc course/test that i have to wake up at 5 for and the only reason i am awake is you.

i cried tonight. i bawled my eyes out and i screamed at you, i screamed at your friend. i don't cry. not often. i mean, i tear up at happy endings and stuff, but i rarely have it in me to just sit there and let it out. it's a painful weakness, because i tend to hold everything in me for too long. i'm just relieved that at the very least, i can cry for you.

i hate worrying about you not coming home. it's sadistically ironic, because come on, you're the one supposed to be worried about your teenage truant daughter hanging out till way past her curfew doing shitty things and getting into trouble, not the other way around.

i hate that when you're getting high like this, your friends all think you're interesting~ and shit. and then when i'm desperately trying to convince them to send you home like nao, they tell me that she's fine, stop worrying, oh really? she's bipolar? but it's okay laaa, she seemed alright, how do you know? you sure or not? I don't think so, but yeah yeah fine we'll send her home soon. i suppose that they probably think of me as that dramatic teenage daughter who'll make a fuss over everything. but i mean dude, you didn't go through 12 years of this, so please shut up, get her home now and make me feel a little better.

2010-06-13T14:08:00.001+08:00

ME DAY

insipidity

2010-06-12T13:30:00.007+08:00

Hi.

Both yesterday and today have been amazingly lazy thus far. I keep telling myself that I'm just trying to recover from the exhaustion of a two day camp followed by two days of walking around town with friends, but we all know I'm just too much of a pig to go sort out my homework.

I spent Wednesday with Filzah, Fiqo and Maya walking round Somerset and Orchard. It was Ion > 313 > The Heeren > Wisma > Ion > Wheelock > Lido > Home. I think I was like really moody for the most part of the outing and I'm sorry, you guys! But Lido + Camwhoring + Syafiqah's butch hair kinda cheered me up again :)

I also stayed up till 5 a.m. attempting to make a vest out of this coat I found that night after raiding my mother's closet. It was more main hentam than anything, really, and I seriously doubt I'll actually bother to continue working on it after this. Another item I found in my mom's closet was this shift:

HAHA it's actually a maternity dress. And it's one of the dresses she wore while she was carrying me in her.

On Thursday, I had to wake up early to send my grandparents off to Indonesia. I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep, so it was a rather grouchy morning. After that we went to Soufi's place for lunch and then she and I left for Haji Lane. We tried on stuff, went into almost every shop we could, and I left with a pretty floral dress from The Blogshop. We went to Bugis Junction after that and Soufi managed to get herself a dress too.

We MRT-ed to Somerset after that, and went to sit outside 313 while we finished our fries. Omg and sitting right there, was this hot-ass boy in a leather jacket smoking on a cigarette in this unusually sexy way and Soufi and I practically melted all over each other. We did the mandatory after that: walk through F21, Zara, Cotton On etc. Soufi got herself this pretty F21 skirt, and then we went for ice cream! We ended up at that Marvelous Cream place and shared a cup between us.

We went to Cineleisure to walk around some more after that. We took all the postcards/ little zines that they give out for free at the shops there and Volta has this really amazing lookbook. But it's a menswear store so :( Rockstar is a really pretty shop. It's apparently by Soon Lee, a shop on Haji Lane that I really like but is so expensive, which makes it even more interesting. We randomly took the lift after that and ended up outside Timezone. At first we thought we'd just sit there and rest for a while, but the Guitar Hero consoles lured us in anyway. I think we spent like 12 bucks on only Guitar Hero?! Hahahaha but I had so much fun! I need to just like spend a day at the arcade with somebody sometime soon. We parted ways after that, and I ended up going to the right bus stop, then to the wrong one, then back to the right one before I finally got on the bus back home. I reached home like half an hour past my 10 o' clock curfew, but my mom didn't actually seem to care :/ Hah but in any case, I was sort of the one who asked for that curfew so yeah.

This week has been really, really good. Next week's gonna be a whole lot of NP D:

inexplicable

2010-06-11T13:18:00.004+08:00

Hey.

I miss the science camp. It honestly didn't feel as.. nerdy as I'd expected. In fact, it was actually really fun. Of course there were talks and workshops and all, but there were also two amazing race type games where we had to run all over the massive campus and complete silly little stations/solve science related problems. For the first amazing race on Monday night, we were put in groups of ten with students from other schools. Can I just say that some of the people in my group were very blessed, looks-wise? Hahahahah seriously. I like Team 6 ;) The second amazing race the next day was with our own schools and oh man, it felt like we were running a bloody marathon. My thighs ached the whole of yesterday because of that. I think we came in fifth, i'm not sure. But I never actually felt the need to win, so I'm fine with that. I'm just glad that we had a lot of fun :)

I enjoyed the sleeping part of the camp. Sofea and I spent more than an hour whispering to each other after lights out and the student facilitators had to come shut us up quite a few times. I think my already barely-there boobs got flatter that night, cause I basically slept on my front in a thin sleeping bag on hard wood hall floor for probably five hours straight.

I like how we played games like blow wind blow or that tree and squirrel game everytime we had some time to kill. I got called out for a forfeit during one of the blow wind blow games, though. That was um, pretty mortifying. But then again, when you think of it realistically, it's not as though that image of me and the other unfortunate forfeiters doing a banana dance would stick in anyone's minds except ours.

The end of the camp was a bit achy for me. Hwa Chong boy from my group was such a (insert word that aptly describes how my heart swoooooned at the sight of him) . Eurasian, slight accent, wore a nice-fitting black shirt that night. Sigh. I knew I was gonna miss all these people and at that point, I hated the fact that I'm just so goddamn SHY.

Two days is definitely not enough time.

commonplace

2010-06-06T22:06:00.001+08:00

science camp at republic poly tmr till tuesday cos i is GEEK :B

bye!

À l'intérieur

2010-06-04T20:11:00.006+08:00

Hi.

I had an interesting dream last night. There was a scene in it where I and a bunch of random friends from all over the place were being hunted down and it was irrationally terrifying, but at some point during the whole ordeal, I stopped us all to explain to them about lucid dreaming. It was disconcerting, because even as I was telling them that running was pointless because 'don't you see how ridiculous everything is? It's obviously a dream', in a way, I wasn't actually aware that I was dreaming. I guess it's sort of like lucid dreaming within a not-so-lucid dream? Hmmmm.

I got really excited about the lucid dreaming thing, because I recently read up on it and decided I wanted to learn it this holiday. And what better time right, since I'm not bound to any particular sleeping routines during this period and most probably won't be in any rush in the morning. Anyway, this lucid dreaming is amazing. At the highest level of lucid dreaming, you could actually learn to be in control of your dreams because you are aware that you're merely asleep. Seriously, what kind of awesome shit is that?!? Hahaha.

I think that last night's dream was also partly influenced by A Nightmare on Elm Street, because the characters become aware that they're dreaming and all, you know?I just watched it yesterday and it was actually pretty terrible in my opinion. But terrible or no, it still leaked into my dreams anyway, just like the other movies of the same name that I watched when I was younger.

I also watched the first half of Inside, a creepy French film with cringe-worthy gore. The first two minutes of it already made me doubt if I had the guts to carry on. I did (carry on that is), and ended up watching the protagonist, who is heavily pregnant, get punctured in the navel with a pair of scissors by this strange woman who wants her baby and tries to perform a bloody Cesarean right in her own bed. I also saw a man get stabbed in the back of the knee and then the groin and then the face by the same strange woman, and the mother of the protagonist had this stick -idk what it was- thrust right through her neck. She spurted out (and I mean SPURTED) a whole shitload of blood onto the walls before she collapsed and bled herself out :S Yeah anyway, the strange woman appeared in my dream too.

I put myself through really unnecessary horror.

And then I rave.

He is a four-leaf clover

2010-06-02T21:20:00.003+08:00

kinda disappointed with how quite a number of the photos didn't turn out because of (presumably) poor lighting. i refuse to get overly upset though, because this is a learning point plus the photos which did turn out, they're not that bad :)

today's jurong point outing with nanthani and the syazian was fun. shooting competition made me feel stupid.

Hi, I bought a new bra today.

2010-06-01T22:08:00.004+08:00

I'm not sure if I should allow myself to feel excited or annoyed that the past few days that I've been window-shopping my ass off, I've come across so many pretty clothes that weren't too expensive. But even with the sale prices and everything, it's not like I'm gonna be able to buy everything right? DECISIONS OMG. And then there's that top from Modparade (which just moved to a bigger store in Haji Lane yey) that I cannot stop thinking about. That one.. Now that one wasn't really cheap. It was $60 effing bucks!!! The shopkeeper said she'd give me a 10% discount though, so mmm - DECISIONS. Oh and there's a Zara skirt which costs $19.90 too. I kinda stared at the price tag uncomprehendingly for like a whole minute.

Tomorrow's going to be taken up by the shooting competition. I don't feel anything for this competition in all honesty, but I am looking forward to being able to shoot. It's not everyday that you get to fire a real-life gun with real-life bullets. And the bang as it goes off, omg it's such a fucking experience. And your hands all smeared with traces of gunpowder after that.. I never really want to wash it and the thrill of it all off. I'm gonna go collect my Holga pictures after that, so I am looking forward to that too. Omg it's gonna be such a long day X_X

Goodnight.

we're all water from the same ocean

2010-05-30T23:30:00.004+08:00

Hello.

For every day of this month-long break we have been blessed with, I shall write down one fact about me. Everyone's doing it on Facebook and I admit, I am intrigued. You learn a lot of interesting things about yourself when you do these things. This list is also just another way to kill time because sometimes the said break gets really, really boring.

Okay so including the past three days, we've got a total of... 31 days of no school. Here goes.

1. I am one of the most awkward people you'll ever meet.

2. I think I talk in circles. Most of the time I don't really get what I'm saying myself.

3. I try to draw and paint.

4. I don't eat meat.

5. I make a lot of lists because sometimes I need to sort out what's in my head by writing it out. Neatly. And in point form.

6. I am a huge sucker for cute stationary. Case in point: my pencil case is a lunch box with a pink handle and owls on it. Oh and it cost me $14 T_T

7. I have a weak bladder.

8. I want all the things I cannot get.

9. Perhaps I believe in myself too much.

10. I am not a people person. I honestly really like my space.

11. Pet peeve #1: narrow-mindedness.

12. I don't really look it, but I'm a quietly happy person in general.

13. I figured that I'm a pretty strong person for being able to handle all the things that life has thrown at me the past 14 and a half years.

14. I have a bipolar mother, just so you know. It really hasn't been that easy.

15. I need to smile more.

16. My gag reflex damn power.

17. I don't read enough.

18. I wish I was more musically-inclined.

19. I am TERRIFIED of the dentist.

20. I have developed an unhealthy obsession with frozen green tea from the canteen drink stall.

21. I sometimes like the heat in Singapore.

22. I hate the way I write.

23. I like boys in tight pants.

24. And boys who draw.

25. I'm short, but that's alright.

26. Death by maths.

27. Pet peeve #2: trying too hard to be normal.

28. I like you!

29. Or do I..? >:)

30. I stay up late for nothing.

31. :O

there's a man on the side of the road

2010-05-29T13:23:00.003+08:00

Hi.

I spent the whole of yesterday walking around Jurong Point with my mom. We ate a lot in between thoroughly inspecting sale racks and trying on shoes. It was Banquet for lunch, then Starbucks for a frappucino, then Delifrance for tea, then Thai Express for a 6 o' clock dinner. Their thai mango salad is to die for, just so you know.

I bought a top from The Box yesterday, so needless to say, I was stuck in one of those temporary highs you get out of a new purchase. I also went to develop my two rolls of film. They cost......... A lot..... About $40, basically. I guess I am sort of put off of this whole thing now. I don't know. One roll per month from now on? Hm. This is worrying stuff. ):

I'm not sure how to spend today, but I really don't want to waste it the way I tend to waste precious no-school days: by pigging out in front of the TV. I might do some art, but I'm running out of supplies. I've used up most of my paints, and I'm short on canvas. Ah and I need a bunch of new brushes too. Will all this $$$$ that I need please flutter down into my hands like, now? Because pencil drawing is getting a tad boring.

you twist to fit the mold that i am in

2010-05-23T11:55:00.003+08:00

Hi.

I just recovered from a particularly nasty bout of flu that stripped me of a nice weekend and 3 kg of my bodyweight. I HATE being 36 fucking kilograms okay. For the past two days I've been lying in bed, just trying to find solace in sleep because being awake hurts. Friday I wasn't hungry at all, so I barely ate. Yesterday I guess my appetite grew a little bit stronger so I managed to down a bit of porridge. This morning I woke up feeling numb, but as I lay awake trying to get my bearings, I started to feel that familiar ache just under my chest. I patted my tummy, and I realised that my hipbones were sticking out, my ribs were showing through and I've got a hunch that my stomach's probably shriveled up to the size of my fist. I am so freaking disgusted with myself oh my god. I've also been dry-heaving because my stomach has nothing to cough up. Fevers are painful shit man.

Today is eat all you can day. I refuse to weigh as much as I used to 3 years ago.

URAQT

2010-05-20T20:46:00.002+08:00

Hi.

This has been an exhausting week. You couldn't really call it a strenuous one, but for the past four days, my energy levels have been at a record low. I can't stop myself from falling asleep in class and it's actually starting to annoy even me. I hate feeling like I'm not in control of own body, you know?

On a different note, Mr Ahmad looked really good today. But I kinda dreamt that he was gay and going around school in tights or something like that the other night and I think my view of him has changed.

......Okay maybe only slightly.

I'm pretty excited for the June holidays! I honestly cannot wait for that whole month of no-school days. And while there is going to be quite a handful of weird NP events going on, I actually don't mind. Oh plus I'm finally gonna go out shopping with Soufi, so that's gonna be really nice. Hmm and STC! Hahaha I think I may actually love camping on Ubin.

I've caught my mother's cold. Hope it doesn't get any worse.

2010-05-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

Eee.

Eeeeeeeeeee.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :S

we all want to be happy

2010-05-18T18:17:00.003+08:00

Every time I look at you I just feel this strange sense of loss.

I didn't even have you in the first place man.

2010-05-12T17:10:00.002+08:00

Goddammit.

You have no idea how fucking disappointed I am in you.

all these colours will change

2010-05-10T20:43:00.004+08:00

Hello.

It honestly pays to go shopping with a mother who randomly strikes up conversations with shopkeepers. Saturday was spent roaming around Bugis and Orchard. My mother and the guy manning the Victoria Jomo store chatted for a good ten minutes as I browsed, and then in the end he decided to give us a $2 discount off this pair of extremely silly earrings. My new babies have got the iconic Mr Bean on them and are actually pretty stupid and yea but i still ♥! Hahahah. OK Haji Lane seriously has the most interesting little trinkets around.

In other news, I started on a painting yesterday! Been so long since I actually sat down and devoted a few hours of my day and energy to art. I've completely forgotten how much of an escape from the real world it is. You know, I tend to beat myself up over my art because I believe that a number of my past drawings/paintings have been more than ugly. But for now at least, positive thoughts? Check.

For perhaps the first time, I'm actually feeling good about this painting. As with everything else, I guess that the more you paint, the better you get. I'm really thankful that I now find it easier to draw faces, mix the right skin tones, create what I think could pass off as depth. I only hope I do not screw up this piece as I continue to work on it now.

School's like .____.

you handled your charm with time and slight of hand

2010-05-05T13:36:00.003+08:00

Hi!

I just had a pretty awesome weekend and now..... I'm down with this flu thingum. I've been having a bit of a cold since Monday, where I sneezed and sneezed at my aunt's place until my nose got all red and raw. But fresh air seems to do the trick, because yesterday I didn't really feel so bad at Marina Barrage.

Hmm OK I have a whole day to do nothing but rest at home so I will blog about my weekend.

Monday was spent at Changi Airport with mah two babezzz Fiqo and Filzah. We were supposed to have lunch, find some quiet, secluded corner and cry our eyes out watching 500 Days of Summer and The Lovely Bones. I guess we managed the lunch, but sadly we had to share a table with these annoying boys who made disgustingly sexist comments. "Women are only here for men to abuse." Really..

We left to find somewhere to sit, but we didn't exactly find a secluded corner la, just this wall where everybody could see us. It wasn't exactly quiet either, but that's probably because we were the source of noise there hahaha. Then we had trouble with the movie cause it was too soft and we tried all sorts of things like play the audio on Syaf's teeny little Eee PC and the video on Filzah's laptop at the same time. But like, 10 minutes into the movie we got bored and distracted and started painting nails and being stupid and tebiat. Yeah. I like tebiat days. And bimbo gatherings. And listening to my friends' many many accents. Thennn I had to go off to Secret Recipe downstairs to meet my mom and grandma and aunt and brother and cousins for an early mother's day outing.

Yesterday. Yesterday was pretty... hmmm. I guess it could have been really really funnnn but it was just so damn hot okay!!! Everyone was wearing either short shorts or short skirts [except for Fiqo who came in jeggings (hahaaha jeggings)] and while I was technically wearing a short skirt too, I was also wearing this pair of amazingly hot tights. :( But thank god it was still really windy over at Marina Barrage. It was sort of like, what to doooooo though. We spent a lot of the time blowing bubbles, singing while somebody played the guitar and eating and stuff. Some of us went to play Ice and Water, and all the skirt-wearing people ended up treating other visitors to flashes of panty. Hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaha wokay I feel like vomiting out poop now ew.

sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier

2010-05-01T19:53:00.004+08:00

Hi!

It's been a nice Saturday. I spent the afternoon with my mom. We went to Jurong Point for Starbucks and film for my camera, and then we took the MRT to Chinese Garden just two stops away. It started raining just as we were pulling into the station, so we went to Cheers and came out with a... PINK UMBRELLA!

Yeah then we walked around the place while it rained, um, not very heavily and I took some pictures with my camera. I have no idea if the pictures are any good, but we shall see! I was guilty of committing a few of the mistakes this website listed as one of the most common mistakes you'd make your first few times.

Basically, right after I got the film I wanted to take a picture of my mom, so I pointed the camera at her. Then I decided I'd take one later cause we were walking through this busy place and couldn't really stop. So we started walking again and I learnt that "the lens cap was still on anyway". Also, there were a few times where I forgot to wind the film after a shot and ended up creating all these double -or for all I know, multiple- exposure pictures. I just srzly hope they still look nice anyway, especially this one I took of a monkey bench which then got fused with a horse bench! The benches was so cuuute goddammit! If only it didn't rain so I could have sat on em :(

You know, I wish film wasn't so expensive. A single roll, which takes up to 36 photos, can strip you of $5.50 just like that. Maybe I might be willing to part with $16.50 a month. I'll think about it.

2010-04-30T20:17:00.002+08:00

restless.

the a maths paper practically mass murdered our cohort today. i skipped so many questions, and left even more unfinished. about twenty minutes from the end i basically gave up and tried to sleep. i put my head on the table but amazingly, i couldn't switch off. so i started flicking my pony tail back and forth while my forehead was still pressed against the desk. then i realised how stupid and annoying it must have looked from my classmates' points of view and i sniggered against the table to myself.

i can't tell you how fucking relieved i am feeling right now.

and also, HI THERE FOUR-DAY-LONG WEEKEND I LOVE YOU ALREADY

2010-04-30T19:28:00.003+08:00

haha hi omg i found this photo of me in tudung when i went back to maarif last year omg sigh i think i will wear tudung sometimes now hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

you're the only one that knows

2010-04-30T17:37:00.006+08:00

Hi...

Guess what....

Filzah, Maya, Elicia and I went to Haji Lane after school for a while and I um.. I kinda bought something that made me really happy today....

I bought..........

THIS.

Teeheeheeeheeeheeee fun or what!

Haha okay in actual fact, I haven't actually taken a picture with it yet, cause I didn't bring enough money to buy film. But the four of us had fun posing with the bloody thing while we camwhored with Filzah's and Elicia's cute digital cameras. Haha okay I love my Holgaaaaaaaaaa. I love the whole cute, plasticky, toy camera thing about it! And I love how it's not digital and uses film and omg like, it's so exciting when you develop it and you really don't know how your pictures actually look like and this whole double/multiple exposure thingy omg so coooooooooool hi noob post hehehehehe. Oh and it's red omfg sexehhhhhh.

K I'll buy a roll of film tomorrow bye!

OH YAH EXAMS ARE OVER WHOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

pixie dust

2010-04-29T21:42:00.001+08:00

i miss my short hair :(

for all your lies, you're still very lovable

2010-04-29T20:08:00.004+08:00

So basically, last paper tomorrow and then: FREEDOM.

I feel the very very ultra strong need to put a McDonald's Hot Fudge Sundae in my tummy right now. I feel so depriveddddddddddddddddddddd.

Okay apparently limiting yourself to $2 a day really does stuff to your food cravings.

sky is womb and she's the moon

2010-04-25T19:05:00.005+08:00

Hi.

I know this sounds stupid, but I'm actually kind of looking forward to this coming week. It's not that I think I'm going to ace everything, cos trust me, I am probably more unprepared than you. I guess I just enjoy the exam period because the atmosphere is so.. focused. I mean, you only bother about one subject, maximum two, a day and you don't feel so harried, disorganised. And for the most part of the day you're just sitting in this quiet bubble that is your desk, exam paper and your mind. And you give it your all (or you really want to anyway) because it's important. I love how even though you're so absorbed in your answers and your brain is working so fast you can practically hear it buzzing with all this energy in the form of thoughts and lines memorised from textbooks, you're just frickin' aware of the time. Then if you finish your paper before time runs out, you're just like "hell yeah". And you most probably go to sleep. And if you're not done, well you panic for a while, regret, then you're like, screw it it's over and go off to study for the next paper.

Oh and I love how I always, always get so bloody shocked when the invigilator suddenly says "15 minutes more" or whatever. Because after about an hour and a half of silence and internal discussions with your brain, any form of outside noise sounds like a freaking gunshot. I'm serious. My heart starts racing and there's this sharp ache in my ear. Like even when I know it's coming.

Hahahahaha okay I am weird I'm sorry.

Hmm I think I also love how you feel so purposeful, you know? Like you go to the damn library, sit down and study like omgah. Syadza and I barely talked on Friday cos we were so totally into it. I'll probably be spending the next 5 afternoons the same way.

Okay carrot cake callz!

2010-04-24T12:01:00.009+08:00

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
And I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

check

2010-04-22T22:09:00.000+08:00

you are intense

2010-04-22T00:21:00.003+08:00

This is the reason why I cannot stay awake in class. I don't go to bed till like 1 or so just because I'm thinking too much, feeling so goddamn euphoric and alive and weird and creative and shit. It's currently 12 24 am and I'm contemplating pulling out all my paint stuff and well, painting. Yes no yes no? Okay yeah yes hi box of art supplies I haven't touched you in a while :) I shall be the zombie I always am tmr//

your wicked sense of humour

2010-04-20T18:13:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry for being so inconsistent in my blogging! I just haven't had the urge. 'Cause although my life feels busier now, it's still pretty much this mundane blur that is not really worth blogging about.

Okay anyway, the mid-years have started!!! :O This year has definitely gone by way too fast. I'm unhappy with how I did yesterday and today, because:

1) I didn't manage to finish my English essay.

2) I didn't have time to start on the 13 mark SEQ for social studies.

3) As always, my Malay essays were just _____

BUT life goes on.

I'll do better for next week's papers. I really will. So while waiting for Monday to come round, I shall spend my time wisely and efficiently and diligently studying whooooo~ I'm rather pleased with myself for not waiting until the last minute to study this time. I actually started a couple weeks back can you believe it???

Note to self: Pretty (stationary + writing materials + etc.)

= HUGE motivation to study + pretty self-made notes

= GOOD GRADES AHHHH

Oh yes, I am also very pleased with myself for writing my Commonwealth Essay Competition essay chim enough to be shortlisted. Yay for late nights slaving away on the desktop in my living room getting distracted getting sleepy going to thesaurus.com and completing the 1200 freaking words uh.. slighhhtly not on time but handing it in anywayz heeeeheeeheeeeeeeeeee 8-B

So THIS is what that feeling of feeling good about all the effort you've put in feels like... I swear this is exactly how I will feel when MYEs are over okay. *law of attraction law of attraction law of attraction*

(AH PEISHAN YOUR BOOK OMGAH)

My brain is on hyper mode I apologize. BUT I FEEL GOOD SO I DON'T REALLY APOLOGIZE.

I realise that I can actually save $80 a month if I only spend 2 bucks a day. <-- This plan will begin with effect from 26th April 2010. Awesome.

Okay bye.

Oh wait no I want to show you something.

Yeyyyy Pascal Grob you're so sexy argh okay yeh awesum bye.

telephonic invasions

2010-04-08T03:36:00.002+08:00

It's 3.36 a.m. and I'm halfway through baking my last batch of meringue cookies for later during the day. For some reason, my body feels like it doesn't need to sleep tonight. I mean I am kinda tired, and I most definitely will feel the fatigue later on, but right now I just feel so.. alive. We're having Sports Day tomorrow and I'm pretty excitedddd. Oh and it's Filzah's birthday too! :D I hope this thing will hurry up, because I think I'd better get at least an hour of sleep tonight.

2010-04-05T22:22:00.003+08:00

Terribly insecure.

sup

2010-03-28T23:41:00.002+08:00

Hi :)

I've just had a very lazy weekend and I'm so unwilling to let it go for school tomorrow. Lounging around in the most comfortable clothes I own, watching TV all day, snacking whenever I want, taking random naps and my brother's Band Hero Nintendo DS game thingy can make me so terribly happy. But because my conscience denies me the ability to not feel guilty about indulging myself like that, I also got up and went for a jog. I only ran for half an hour. I ran to the other end of my street and back. It was probably only about 3 km, but even then, I came home nauseous and needing to puke. I actually kind of gagged on the way to my block..... Like okay.

forget about that tainted heart

2010-03-24T22:32:00.003+08:00

Hello.

I got ten hours of sleep and new-found respect for myself yesterday. My mind is trying to convince my body that last night's ten hours allows me to stay up a little longer tonight... I don't think it's working. My body's positively aching for my very snuggly, very comfy bed right now. I think I will give in soon, but knowing me, I'd most probably wait until the Restless Leg Syndrome kicks in and forces me out of this chair and into bed. I need water. And I need to ramble. Or perhaps not, because I'm already starting to feel that annoyingly familiar tingling in my toes and ankles. Okay I should go for my own good.

Goodnight.

Ayesha

x

can't keep my mind off you

y'all

we've got the handshake under our tongue

i cannot breathe, it's too crowded in here

*_______*

Twisted diamond heart, i'm a weekend warrior

holy crap

hoot hoot

cause i'm a weekend warrior

yuck

can i lick you?

we'll love until we bleed

let it fall

Why am i so sad

if she's going under i can hold my breath til the sky comes back

i said i was born at the bottom of a wishing well

my neopets habitarium is dead

run deep, run wild

oh i beg you, can i follow?

hurry on, love

lay me back down

easy conversations, no such thing

He's so weak on both his bended knees

Vincent Hui

i'm a rebel, soul rebel~~~

meow

goldnuggetgoldnuggetgoldnugget

because we are all just lovers, born of earth and light like all these others

shock me like an electric eel

everyone is golden

sigh

!!!!

We're just a million little gods causing rainstorms turning every good thing to rust

I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth.. LOL JK I shaved it all off

but still my heart beats so slow

the girl with kaleidoscope eyes

my body is a cage

you just had to

the morning benders

and i swear to god i'll find myself in the end

come on skinny luv

all that jazz

i am the walrus

spit it out boy

wanderlust

possibly

i have small teeth

time lapse

i fought the war but the war won

we all scream for.. pavlovas!

hey mr dinosaur

i wanna luck you

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

cut

I like my make-up in a mess

+++

LUSTLUSTLUST

i wish you hadn't

I'm in love, i walk on

anti-anti

i barely know you

i can't

and won't you show us where your heart is?

because it hurts

insipidity

inexplicable

commonplace

À l'intérieur

He is a four-leaf clover

Hi, I bought a new bra today.

we're all water from the same ocean

there's a man on the side of the road

you twist to fit the mold that i am in

URAQT

we all want to be happy

all these colours will change

you handled your charm with time and slight of hand

sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier

_______